I often wonder when one becomes a parent if it truly means giving up your own personal dreams. I’ve been a mother for 20 yrs and I definitely feel as though my personal goals have always got pushed aside. Everytime I decide to ‘work’ on my dream, something else comes up. My poor husband, he must feel even worse than I do because he’s the kind of man that puts us all before himself! I don’t know how to find that fine balance because I’m overwhelmed with Mother’s guild when I decide to do something for me. I always want to find a ways to include the kids or even hubby too. If it’s not feasable, I forget about it and there goes my dream being pushed aside
yet again. I wonder how many parents out there feel the same way. How do we keep our dreams alive without feeling guilty. I know for sure wth my son, I never taught him that I was a person with a dream, and now that he’s twenty, I expect him to get it. Go figure! I get upset, and think to myself how can he be so selfish, but then the honest, ogical side of me issues that reminder that he was never taught how to. I believe one is never to old to learn, but it’s sure harder trying to teach a self absorbed adult how to consider others…lol. I do feel the most guilt with my son, since sadly he was my guinea pig, my practice target in this parenting game. There’s no book out there that tells you how to raise your individual children, because it’s become very apparent to me that all of my kids need different child raring approaches. I have definitely learnt from raising my son, waaaaayyyy more patience in dealing with my seven and one yr old. Most people think I have spoilt my son, and f I were brutally honest, I would have to agree. I don’t usually admit it to others, but deep in my heart I know the truth. I have done so because his journey so far has been a challenging one, and there are no words to describe the level of guilt I feel about where he is now. He is an amazing young man considering the dysfunction he faced in his childhood. I will forever feel it’s my fault that I couldn’t be his Dad and Mom at the same time. There’s nothing like an absent father on any child. The saddest part about it, is that no matter how good of a mother you are, it never fills the void.
My son introduced me to my now husband, so I knew it would be a good thing. We tell our story so many times, in so many ways, and it never gets old. Somehow even having the best step Dad in his life, still left a little emptiness. The void is never really filled. The gap has closed immensely but not all the way. My dear husband dreams of being a school principal. He has been teacher of the year, started amazing clubs for the kids, volunteered every spare moment he had. Now I look at him, and all I see is a man trying to keep his head above water. He’s continually tired, stress is written all over his face and again, the guilt. I believe he would have been a principal by now if he had stayed in his old job, within his comfort zone. Instead, he chose to travel all the way across the country to encourage me to pursue my dreams of writing, acting, producing etc. Wow, what a guy you may say, but it makes me feel less and less of a woman, when I am not as near to my goals as I believe I should be. I still work the awful twelve hour night shift, I work on a pediactric cancer unit which constantly drains me emotionally. When my patients die, I smother my own kids, probably subconsciously pushing them away. Ahhhhh, can you feel me like a dog chasing my own tail. I am in that state of ‘going nowhere FAST!!’ So this blogging thing, is my attempt at getting loser to my dreams and one day hope to taouch many hearts with my honest words. Until then, goodnight my people! One day I will figure out how to get others to read my blogs.