Am I Dying Slowly Inside?

I have been an avid fan of Oprah for most of my life, and she always talks about living you rbest life.  I have drummed that into my kids from birth.  I especially stress the fact that I don’t care what they become when they grow up.  I just want hem to LOVE what they do, and have the passion for whatever it is.  That way, they never feel as if they are burdened to go to work!   I can’t tell you how many times I get hives, anxiety, headaches before I have to go to work and all the way through the shift.  It’s gotten much worse over the years, and now it’s beginning to affect my health.  Besides doing 19 yrs of night shift has already shortened my life, having the added

physical and emotional stress, breaks me down even further.  I grew up in a sea of dysfunction all around me.  You name it, I experienced it!  I did however, always admire my Dad for doing what he loved.  He is an inorganic chemist.  Absolute genius!! I had a lot of negative feelings towards him growing up but I always noticed his passion for chemistry from a distance.  Of course, now that I’m grown, I get the full understanding of loving what you do.  I don’t say this often, because people misinterpret it all the time, but I do dislike my job VERY much.  (I am trying not to use the word ‘hate’).  Most people think that I’m a nurse, I look after children with cancer, and I must get major job satisfaction.  The truth is actually the opposite.  I feel my

heart skip a beat everytime I have to give a patient chemotherapy, narcotics, blood or platelet transfusions because I don’t know if it will work, or if I believe in giving the medication over and over, relapse after relapse.  I have no say in whether a child should stop treatment or not.  I can’t tell any parent they should enjoy their last days with their child even though deep in my heart I know the kid won’t make it.  The ones that are newly diagnosed, I’m all for treatment, because I have renewed faith and hope.  I’ve seen many come thorough the other side.

I know my calling is to help kids, young people and even adults to be positive, encourage them to love themselves despite their imperfections.  It is a constant journey for me, but I’m super excited to be forty because I feel like I’m growing more and more into my own.  I have learnt that when my head and my heart continualy collide, a little piece of me dies!  How can I insist my kids do what they are passionate about, and I’m clearly not??  The obvious truth, like any parent, I don’t want my kids to spend twenty years of their precious lives deciding to finally go for their dreams.  I feel like the biggest hypocrite!!  I’m getting hives writing this!!  My deepest truth is so deep that sometimes I can’t find it.  I wish I could be one of these people who leave their jobs and go for their dreams full throttle.  My husband would divorce me instantly because he would think I’m crazy!!  It’s hard to convince someone to have THAT much faith in your dream when you have waited so long to go for it right? He’s my biggest fan, but he doesn’t truly, truly get what I feel.  He knows for sure his calling is to be a techer, and I know that too! No matter how many rough days he faces, he KNOWS he is where he needs to be.   I get so excited when I get my ten minutes or more to blog and let my feelings out.  It’s like having a diary again!  I used to have a diary when I was a child, and it was my escape, until my Dad found it and made a total mockery of it.  He exposed all my thoughts, belittled me and my mother even called my a Jezebel.  I never kept a diary since that God awful day.  I wanted the earth to swallow me.  Death seemed better than humiliation in that moment.  Since then I have always been scared to tell people my highest truth.  My son told me the words of Lil’ Wayne (I think) ‘if they don’t know your dreams then they can’t shoot you down!’  How true is that?  Who would have ever thought I would be quoting a rapper…lol…so people, I want to live, live …LIVE!!  I’m ready for the best days of my life!!

One Love,

Angel